


I've got 99 problems and you're definitely one.

by NotAnAndroid



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Everyone Is Gay, Jschlatt is Toby Smith | Tubbo's Parent, M/M, Mentioned Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Phil Watson is Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit's Parent, Platonically Married Ranboo and Toby Smith | Tubbo, Protective Jschlatt (Video Blogging RPF), Texting, Trans Floris | Fundy, Trans Toby Smith | Tubbo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-20 13:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30005436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotAnAndroid/pseuds/NotAnAndroid
Summary: Dream makes a group chat that he later regrets making, there's many arguments and fights. Will everyone survive?OrA textfic where Schlatt/Quackity is non abusive and the main ship.Disclaimer-I am in no way shipping the real people, I am shipping their personas.
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Jschlatt, Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Jschlatt & Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Zak Ahmed/Darryl Noveschosch
Comments: 7
Kudos: 177





	1. Ghosting: There can only be one.

**Author's Note:**

> Nicknames for the first chapter
> 
> Dream: Greenboi  
> George: I'm_Colourblind  
> SapNap: Burning pile  
> Wilbur: Ghosting  
> Schlatt: me_for_president  
> Tubbo: Pick-A-Flower  
> Tommy: IGETTHEWOMEN  
> Techno: Orphan killer  
> Ranboo: Sphegetti  
> Fundy: notafurryguys  
> Quackity: Stal  
> Puffy: mother  
> Niki: Other Mother  
> Minx: scary  
> Bad:Muffin  
> Skeppy: cannot-spell  
> Karl: All my troubles

(Greenboi started "I've got 99 problems and you're definitely one.)

Ghosting: Well, we already have a problem

Muffin: What is it wilbur?

Ghosting: @Burning pile  
Ghosting: There can only be one.

Burning pile: Sorry Wilbur, it's staying.

me_for_president: Sorry, what's this argument?

Pick-A-Flower: both their usernames are Mother Mother songs.

me_for_president: Ok then.

Ghosting: Look, Sapnap, I don't mind you, ur not that bad.  
Ghosting: So change it fucking username before I change your ability to breathe

Muffin: Language!

Greenboi: Guys, I started this to talk about school…

I'm_colourblind: and like all things you plan, it's gone horribly wrong.

Dream: wow ಥ‿ಥ

me_for_president: ALEXIS YOU MOTHERFUCKER CHANGE YOUR USERNAME RIGHT NOW!

Stal: Why should I?

me_for_president: you fucking know my opinion on Stal!

Muffin: guys, how about we stop swearing and arguing and settle this calmly?

Orphan killer: What is this  
Orphan killer: other than a distraction from my potato farm

All my troubles: Wait, a potato farm?

Burning pile: Hi Karl <3

All my troubles: Hi Sapnap (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤

Ghosting: gross  
Ghosting: also, what is with the usernames.

Burning pile: cuz I'm in him😏

(Ghosting changed All My troubles to Llama)

(Ghosting changed Burning pile to Arson)

Ghosting: You know Tommy is a minor, right?

IGETTHEWOMEN: shut up Wilbur

Orphan killer: What, he's right?

IGETTHEWOMEN: go back to your potato farm, Techno.

Orphan killer: kindly

IGETTHEWOMEN: Why isn't Phil here?  
IGETTHEWOMEN: I'm just going to get hate crimed

Greenboi: because half the people here owe him homework.

me_for_president: I have not handed a thing in for any of his classes.

Spaghetti: you get away with that in college?

me_for_president: Who is this child.

Pick-A-Flower: Oh, that's my platonic husband Ranboo

me_for_president: I have a son in law?

Pick-A-Flower: Yep!

Spaghetti: Wait, what?

Pick-A-Flower: long story, Schlatt adopted me.

Spaghetti: ok then…

me_for_president: ALEXIS YOU STILL HAVEN'T CHANGED UR USERNAME!

Stal: geez, Ok!

(Stal changed their name to bird)

me_for_president: Thank you-

Bird: no problemo

Mother: guys, how about texting in the group chat, you get some work done?

Cannot-spell: neahe, I doan't havie toima to do weorke

Muffin: He's saying that he doesn't have time to do work.

Notafurryguys: how can you understand that?

IGETTHEWOMEN: Good to see you're not ignoring us.

Arson: yeah, you furry.

Notafurryguys: First, shuttup Sapnap. Second, neither Minx nor Niki have texted this chat yet.

Arson: that's because we're scared of Minx and Niki is too nice to bully, whereas you are a furry and all you do is watch treasure Pirate on loop.

Notafurryguys:...  
Notafurryguys: fuck off


	2. Corn: IM NOT OWL CITY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Schlatt adds a couple of friends, Fireflies ensues.

me_for_president: Guys, can I add two people?

Bird: You have friends other than me?

me_for_president: I do actually.

Greenboi: Yeah, go ahead

(me_for_president added The milkman and corn to the group chat)

The milkman: What is this?  
The milkman: Why am I here?

me_for_president: because I invited you Ted.

The milkman: well, fuck you.

Corn: Hello?

Ghosting: CHARLIE!

Corn: WILBUR!

me_for_presidemt: You guys know eachother?

Corn: yeah, we met on bedwars.

The milkman: ha, Nerds.

Corn: Ted, we were literally playing bedwars ten minutes ago.

Bird: I'm mostly upset that Schlatt has friends other than me.

The milkman: I'm kind of proud of him.  
The milkman: The ugly guy finally has friends.

me_for_president: please my cat bullies me enough

Bird: Want me to beat up your cat and this Ted man?

me_for_president: Ted could actually just step on you.

Bird: I'm not that short ಥ‿ಥ

Corn: Nah, just Ted is an actual giant.

Bird: I doubt it.

(Corn sent an image)  
Corn: For reference, I'm around 5'10

Bird:...  
Bird: Schlatt, want me to beat up your cat for you?

me_for_president: Quackity, you probably wouldn't be able to defeat my cat.

Bird: fuck u.

Corn: wait, isn't Quackity the guy you text literally every time we all go out.  
Corn: for the entire time.

Greenboi: ha, Schlatt is a simp!

Arson: you can talk.

Greenboi: excuse me?

Cannot-spell: hea's sayinge theat uu simp fore Georg

Greenboi: I cannot understand that.  
Greenboi: Where's bad when you need him.

I'm_Colourblind: Probably asleep.  
I'm_Colourblind: since it's three AM.

Cannot-spell: twoe ceconds, I'm going to turn on otocorrect.

Greenboi: wtf???

I'm_colourblind: My guess is that he's putting on auto correct.

Cannot-spell: Yep!  
Cannot-spell: What I was saying is that you simp for George.

Greenboi: Yeah, well you simp for bad!

Cannot-spell: I never said I didn't.

Pick-A-Flower: Guys, I'm going to have to mute my phone, it's going off like crazy when I'm trying to sleep.

me_for_president: Sorry Tubbo.

Spaghetti: Imagine sleeping.  
Spaghetti: can't relate.

(The Milkman sent a video)

Corn: Please don't Ted ಥ‿ಥ

me_for_president: Ted, what did you do to him to agree to that.

The Milkman: blackmail.

Bird: Why did you just send a video of Owl City fireflies?

Corn: I'M NOT OWL CITY!

Bird: Wait, that's you!

Corn: I fucking hate you guys ಥ‿ಥ

Ghosting: You actually have a good singing voice Charlie

Corn: Thanks ( ꈍᴗꈍ)  
Corn: I'd sing more but someone always points out I sound like Owl City.

Orphan Killer: Guys, my potatoes are doing so well.

Corn: Wait, potatoes?

Orphan killer: Yes. I own a potato farm.

Corn: Schlatt, your other friends are weird

me_for_president: We all know you can't say anything Charlie.

Corn: shuttup Schlatt.

Notafurryguys: Guys.  
Notafurryguys: Go the fuck to sleep.

Corn: FinE-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo, chapter two done!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who left kudos on this! And thank you to the people who left comments!
> 
> I read the labels on the bookmarks and one of them is just chat fic chat fic chat fic and the other is funny chat fic, so I'm honoured guys!
> 
> Thanks for checking out


	3. IGETTHEWOMEN: GUYS STOP IGNORING MY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy gets ignored and Ted, Charlie and Schlatt talk a bit about their highschool years

~~08:04~~

IGETTHEWOMEN: Guys  
IGETTHEWOMEN: Guys I need help  
IGETTHEWOMEN: GUYS STOP IGNORING ME!

me_for_president: Do you guys hear something?

Greenboi: Can't say I do Schlatt.

IGETTHEWOMEN: GUYS ITS NOT FUNNY!

Arson: Hey guys, have u seen Tommy?

IGETTHEWOMEN: IM RIGHT HERE SAPNAP

I'm_Colourblind: No, can't say I have. Why do you need him.

Arson: Oh, I completed Pokénn tournament was going to let him borrow it.

IGETTHEWOMEN: OH, UR FINALLY DONE THE GAME!

Pick-A-Flower: If I see him in school, I can give it to him if you want?

IGETTHEWOMEN: TUBBO NOT YOU TOO!

Arson: Yeah, I'm with Karl at the coffee shop outside your school.

Scary: What is this?

me_for_president: Where the fuck have you been?

Scary: I slept through a day.

Other mother: I don't think that's good.

Ghosting: You too Niki, where have you been?

Other mother: turned off my phone for a day to get studying done.

IGETTHEWOMEN: GUYS I NEED HELP! SERIOUSLY!

Muffin: Why is everyone ignoring Tommy?  
Muffin: That's not very nice.

me_for_president: BAD YOU FUCKING RUINED IT!

Muffin: LANGUAGE!!!

the milkman: Oh god, ur one of those guys…

Muffin:....

Cannot-spell: WHY THE FUCK IS BAD CRYING

Scary: and apparently I'm the scary one.

Cannot-spell: WHO EVER THIS MILKMAN IS IM KILLING THEM.

The milkman: I feel like I could take you to.

me_for_president: Yeah, Ted is huge by the way.

Cannot-spell: MY PURE RAGE WILL BALANCE WITH HIS HEIGHT.

The milkman: What if I just apologize?

Cannot-spell: yeah, that will do.

The milkman: @muffin I'm sorry

Muffin: It's ok, Skeppy can u stop swearing?

Cannot-spell: fine.

IGETTHEWOMEN: CAN I TALK NOW.

Ghosting: No, I have something to rant about.  
Ghosting: It costs extra for a slushie lid now!  
Ghosting: like, wtf?

Mother: Wait, really?

Ghosting: Yeah!

Mother: Robbers

IGETTHEWOMEN; GUYS, PHIL BROKE HIS LEG!

Ghosting: Wtf, why didn't you tell us

IGETTHEWOMEN: I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FOR HALF AN HOUR!

Orphan killer: I'm on my way

IGETTHEWOMEN: THANK YOU.

Muffin: Oh gosh, Is Phil Ok?

IGETTHEWOMEN: He's fine, I just got stuck in a tree and he climbed up to get me unstuck.

Scary:...  
Scary: Tommy you are a fucking idiot.

~~13:21~~

Bird: Guys, I'm only getting lunch now and I don't want to sit alone at lunch, who's free?

me_for_president: I am.

IGETTHEWOMEN: Simp!

me_for_president: Can someone get this child away from me?

Greenboi: Schlatt, aren't you in a class right now?

me_for_president: What? No.

Greenboi: I'm literally in the same class as you right now.  
Greenboi: computer sciences three.

me_for_president: So what if I want to hang out with my best friend?

Corn: I thought me and Ted were your best friends.

me_for_president: I joined your club entirely for credits and Ted can say the same.

The milkman: true.

Bird: Wait, a club?

me_for_president: Yeah, in Highschool we all set up a club that entered in to loads of different competitions

The Milkman: Yeah, all but one of us graduated last year so it closed down.

Corn: I've just realised that Traves is there all alone now. Like, we were his only friends.

me_for_president: Eh, he graduates next year.  
me_for_president: Ight, outside the student’s union now Quackity

Ghosting: How’d you get out of class?  
Greenboi: He told the teacher he thought that he was going to be sick.  
Greenboi: he also said that it's probably because he’s been staring at a screen all day.  
Greenboi: Mr Parker let him leave mostly because he loves the students who are good at his subject and he’s hoping that Schlatt will change his major to computer sciences.

me_for_president: too bad im doing law then.

Bird: on my way, see you soon.

me_for_president: K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carson doesn't exist in this universe.


	4. Magistrex: What is this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karma gets to Schlatt and Wilbur adds Mr Rumble Tumble games.

me_for_president: guys, you’ll never guess what happened.

Scary: Does anyone look like they care Schlatt?

me_for_president: shut it Minx.  
me_for_president: After lying about being sick yesterday, I’m actually sick now.

Greenboi: Thats karma for leaving me alone in that class  
Greenboi: The one class me and George don't share.  
Greenboi: and you leave me to eat lunch with Quackity like a fucking simp

Arson: We all know that if George was asking you, you’d be fucking out of that class in two seconds.

Greenboi: Shut it Sapnap.

me_for_president: Yes, hello can people start paying attention to me?  
me_for_president: So, anyway Quackity poisoned me because i'm pretty sure this is food poisoning.

IGETTHEWOMEN: Thanks Quackity you’ve killed Schlatt for us!

Pick-A-Flower: Tommy, Schlatt is my father, that's not very nice.

Spaghetti: I mean, he did adopt u as a joke.

Pick-A-Flower: Can we not fight right now Ranboo?

Bird: OOOOh, couples fight!  
Bird: Wait, I killed Schlatt!  
Bird: who’s going to eat with me now?

IGETTHEWOMEN: That’s not important, what is important is that Wilbur is making up a friend.

Ghosting: DANIEL FUCKING EXISTS!

IGETTHEWOMEN: how come I haven’t met him then?

Ghosting: He lives in Ireland!

IGETTHEWOMEN: Then how come Minx hasn’t met him

Scary: Tommy, not everyone from Ireland knows each other.  
Scary: but what is his last name in case I do.

Ghosting: Condren

Scary: Nah, sorry.

Orphan Killer: Tommy, you met him once.

IGETTHEWOMEN: Wait, really?

Orphan Killer: Yeah, we all played bedwars together.

IGETTHEWOMEN: Well, Fuck.

Notafurryguys: Wait, I know Daniel!  
Notafurryguys: Should we add him?

me_for_president: Well, I added Ted and Charlie.

(Ghosting added Magistrex)

Magistrex: What is this?  
Magistrex: Why was Tommy doubting my existence?

IGETTHEWOMEN: how did you know it was me?

Magistrex: I’m pretty sure ur the only straight person Wil knows.

me_for_president: Wow, Tommy is the token straight friend.  
me_for_president: Also, who tf r u?

Magistrex: Oh, I’m Daniel, Wilbur’s friend.

me_for_president: K, I’m Schlatt.  
me_for_president: I’m sick.  
me_for_president: Pity me.

Magistrex: I’m literally in the hospital rn.

Ghosting: lung?

Magistrex: Yep.

Ghosting: Oof.

Magistrex: At least I’ve got Kevin with me on my deathbed.

(Magistrex sent an image)

Bird: You look like the guy from Ratatouille.

Magistrex: I regret sending that image already.

me_for_president: I feel your pain tho, Everyone says I look like Manny from Cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

Magistrex: that's tough

me_for_president: yep.

Bird: Schlatt, I’m taking the day off to look after you.  
Bird: as a sorry for poisoning your food.

me_for_president: Yeah, you better.

Magistrex: Are you two like a thing or?

Bird: Pfttt, Ha no!  
Bird: What would make you think that?

The Milkman: You two literally simp for each other so much-  
The Milkman: Oh, I’m Ted by the way.

Magistrex: Daniel.

me_for_president: Shut it Ted.

The Milkman: Yeah, No Schlatt.

me_for_president: Hey, Charlie remember that time that Ted killed Your Crocodile?

Corn: I will never forgive him for that. 

The Milkman: I SAID I WAS SORRY!  
The Milkman: PLEASE FORGIVE ME CHARLIE!!!

Corn: K, I'll forgive u.

The Milkman: THANK YOU!

Corn: but only if you buy me McDonalds at lunch.

The milkman:...  
The milkman: fine then.

Magistrex: Guys, Kevin is making me hand over my phone to get rest, I’ll text later.

Ghosting: K, bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk if I'm gonna add Kevin or not and if I'll do I might add the rest of the Irish lads, I dont know.


	5. Pick-A-Flower: Fuck JK Rowling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quackity has a mental breakdown and Tubbo and Fundy talk about transphobes
> 
> TW: I mention transphobia and what JK Rowling said about trans people. I personally believe that we should educate people on why JK Rowling is wrong but understand that some other trans people are not comfortable with the subject. If people are being transphobic to you, please leave a comment and I'll try my best to give advice

(4:05 pm)

Magistrex: Ha bitches, got my phone back.

Llama: Who is this?

Magistrex: Oh, I'm Wilbur's friend Daniel.

Llama: K, I'm Karl.

Greenboi: No one asks me when they add people ಥ‿ಥ

I'm_Colourblind: That's because no one cares what u think.

Greenboi: Good morning I guess?

I'm_colourblind: yes, I'm just up

Cannot-spell: New people to annoy, yes!

Muffin: That's not very nice Skeppy.

Cannot-spell: Ur not the boss of me Bad.

Muffin: (｡•́︿•̀｡)

Cannot-spell: I'm so sorry Bad, please forgive me!

Muffin: You are forgiven :)

Scary: You two are so pure.

Mother: They really are

Other mother: I third this statement.

Magistrex: I'm missing out on so much rn ಥ‿ಥ  
Magistrex: like, wtf is going on?

Corn: A lot.

Magistrex: Ok then…  
Magistrex: Right, I'm off to genocide Wooloos.

IGETTHEWOMEN: …  
IGETTHEWOMEN: Wtf?

Magistrex: I need the shiny-

Bird: GUYS, SCHLATT FELL ASLEEP CIRLED UP ON ME!  
Bird: WTF DO I DO?

Magistrex: Are you sure you two aren't in a relationship?

Bird: …  
Bird: fuck off.

Magistrex: HEY ONLY I GET TO TELL HIM TO DO THAT!  
Magistrex: Sorry, Kevin stole my phone.

The milkman: Quackity, you take a picture and you send it for me so I can blackmail him.

Magistrex: I like this guy.  
Magistrex: He's got the right idea.

The milkman: Why thank you stranger.

Magistrex: I'm Daniel :)

The milkman: I'm Ted.

Bird: BACK TO MY PROBLEM PLEASE?

Magistrex: Dude, it'll be ok.

Bird:...

~~  
Schlatt looked so peaceful.

He had fallen asleep on the couch, his head resting on Quackity's lap. He was lightly snoring and his hair had become quite messy.

Quackity had to admit he felt a little guilty about Schlatt being sick. He had dragged Schlatt to a new cafe he'd never been to and while Quackity ordered a sandwich and some chips, Schlatt ordered a burger with fries. Now the man was lying sick, curled up on his best friend's lap.

Was that all the two would ever be? Just best friends? Would Schlatt ever see anything more between the two?

Obviously, these were only questions that Quackity was asking since it was fucking obvious that the two liked each other. Yet quackity remained oblivious to the love Schlatt had for him.

Maybe one day, the two would find out the feelings they were holding back.

~~

(02:03 am, the next day)

Magistrex: OUT OF HOSPITAL BITCHES!  
Magistrex: To celebrate, I shall be blending a child!

(Magistrex sent an image)

me_for_president: HOLY FUCK, I HAVE THAT THING TOO!  
me_for_president: I hung mine though.

Magistrex: My friend Kevin drop kicked his.

Ghosting: I mean, you're saying friends Daniel-

Magistrex: Ah yes, my mistake  
Magistrex: Kevin my enemy.

Ghosting: I-  
Ghosting: doesn't matter

Arson: Uhhh, who's the new guy?

Magistrex: Daniel, I'm Wilbur's friend.

Arson: K, I'm Sapnap.

Pick-A-Flower: Fuck JK Rowling.  
Pick-A-Flower: I'm doing a thing for English and over half the class are doing Harry Potter  
Pick-A-Flower: And are talking about how amazing JK Rowling is because she's such a feministic woman and a great example for kids.  
Pick-A-Flower: Like, the woman is transphobic as fuck.

Notafurryguys: Yeah, it sucks.   
Notafurryguys: Like, before I graduated, we got in to a full debate about if trans people should have rights or not and Im just sitting there like "please stop debating my rights."

Bird: Wait, ur Trans Fundy?

Notafurryguys: Uhhh, yeah?  
Notafurryguys: I actually pass enough?

Pick-A-Flower: Did u know I was trans Quackity?

Bird: WTF, NO?  
Bird: guys, that's so cool!

Pick-A-Flower: I'm going to cry now ಥ‿ಥ

The milkman: guys, if I have to play Spiderman with Charlie for another minute, I'm committing genocide  
The milkman: there's too many puns…


End file.
